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Qualities of an Inspiring Mentor Relationship by: Jan Gordon Executive, Career and Personal Coach

Mentors hold and create a space of possibility. Mentors help us to evolve our selves as human beings so that we may move into that possibility.

1. Mutual Respect
The mentor and the learner share a deep respect for the common pursuit as well as for the underlying values driving the pursuit. It is the shared respect that connects and provides the foundation for the work the mentor and the learner will do together.

2. Trust
When a deep level of trust exists between the mentor and the learner, the individual is able to take great risks ­ risks they might not have taken without the trust. The mutual trust between mentor and learner provides a safe space for the latter to step out in faith and achieve what might appear difficult, impossible, or overwhelming. The trust the mentor provides as part of the framework is fundamental for the learning experience to occur.

3. Mentor as a Conduit
A mentor provides access to learning and growth. It is through the mentor relationship that deep learning occurs. The mentor provides a framework for exploration by creating a context that provides support, encouragement, and growth.

4. Space, learning and integration
A mentor creates a space for listening and for helping the person to integrate the learning into their lives. A mentor becomes like an “inner voice” ­ we borrow the mentor for this guiding voice while we search to find and express our own voice.

5. Safe Space
Unconditional acceptance is a key ingredient for establishing trust and a safe space. When one experiences unconditional acceptance and a sense of belonging, one is able to more clearly reveal and be themselves. Accepting others for who they are, without apology or explanation, is therefore an essential aspect of mentoring. With total acceptance, one feels trusted and known, and is able to take great risks. In a safe space, nothing is taboo.

6. Vision
A mentor holds a vision of what’s possible, and leads the way to the vision. A mentor believes in the vision as much as the learner does.

7. Shared Experience
A mentor relationship is rich with learning through shared experiences. The learning’s not just academic and has a vibrancy and depth that goes beyond reflective discussion. The mentor has discussions in “real time” - the interaction and the learnings aren’t just academic. They are deep and real.

8. Challenge
The mentor challenges and stretches the person, and provides inspiration for the person to take on even greater challenges. A mentor stretches a person from within.

9. Inspiration
A mentor “walks the talk” and provides inspiration through their very being. A mentor is someone who we aspire to become; the mentor has qualities/skills we want for our selves. The mentor helps us to see possibility by bringing to life the qualities we aspire for our selves.

10. Sage Advice
A mentor will offer sage advice, will show the learner “the ropes” and will invest time and energy in the development of the individual. The more open the learner is to accessing this wisdom, the more profound the discoveries will be!

Copyright © 2002 by Jan Gordon. All Rights Reserved. This content may be forwarded in full, with copyright/contact/creation information intact, without specific permission, when used only in a not-for-profit format. If any other use is desired, permission in writing from Jan Gordon is required.

Some Common Mentoring Myths

Although this was written with lawyers in mind it is still relevant to mentors in general.

The myths that often deter prospective mentors and mentees from participating in mentoring relationships are, as this section points out, just that: common misperceptions based on inaccurate information.

Myth: Mentoring will take too much time
Fact: Participants in mentoring relationships consistently report that mentoring takes less time than they expected. One or two short phone calls a week often is all that is required in a less formal relationship. A more formal relationship will take more time. In either case, the key to dealing with the issue of time is effective time management. From the outset, participants need to have consistent expectations on the amount of time to be spent on the relationship; and they need to make the most efficient use of their time together.

Myth: Only seasoned practitioners make good mentors
Fact: Unfortunately, many lawyers who have been in practice for five or ten years do not consider themselves to be potential mentors. In fact, they are often in a better position to mentor than those who have been practising 15 to 20 or more years. The five-to-ten year lawyer has more current experience handling the issues that a young lawyer may be struggling with, and thus may be in a better position to help.
Recognizing this reality, many law firms today are assigning senior associates to mentor new junior associates, while the senior associates are being mentored by partners.

Myth: Mentor and mentee must be in the same place
Fact: In traditional mentoring relationships, the mentor and mentee were usually in one place and interaction occurred on a face-to-face basis. However, new ways of communicating, via the Web, e-mail, and other new technologies today make long-distance mentoring more feasible and more common.
The key to successful long-distance mentoring is a shared understanding of how and when communications will occur. While some face-to-face meetings may be necessary, telephone calls and/or e-mails often are satisfactory for most subsequent discussions.
A principal benefit of long-distance mentoring is that it significantly expands the field of mentors available to any one lawyer. This is especially useful for those who practice in smaller communities where a suitable mentor may not be available locally, or in situations where the only local mentor candidate is a lawyer who often acts on the other side of matters you handle.

Myth: Only young lawyers can benefit from being a mentee
Fact: Mentoring can and does benefit even an experienced lawyer. For example, if you are expanding your practice into a new area of law, access to a lawyer with experience in that area of law would significantly reduce your learning curve. Similarly, an experienced lawyer joining a new firm could benefit from a short-term mentoring relationship. Having a mentor ensures that the new law firm member is more quickly integrated into the firm, including matters such as the firm’s procedures, and is introduced to its clients and contacts.

From: Mentoring: Its Time Has Come—Again
by Dan Pinnington August 2004 (http://apps.americanbar.org/lpm/lpt/articles/mgt08041.html

Sometimes an everyday hero has no airtime to respond to a ‘please call me’

Happy new year Everyday hero!!!

I like the Spiderman super hero movie. This movie tells a tale of a young man who get super power and as he discover his new ability he uses it for good. However in his day to day life he is a nobody. He does not get noticed , loses his job (too busy being a super hero), can’t pay rent, lose friendships and the list goes on and on. I like this movie because it paint a picture of an everyday hero – a mentor.
We are so busy being a hero to the young person(mentee) and sometimes you feel like you can’t give anymore. It’s like the ‘please call me’ come from the young person and you just don’t have the airtime to call back. You really want to but you can’t. You don’t have the energy or courage to deal with ‘it’ now.
An everyday hero get tired and discouraged too. For this reason I would like to encourage you to keep your strength up by reading good books, spend time with your hero (your mentor), spend time with yourself, do something that you just don’t get to do for yourself.
A good hero takes care of her or himself too. We have resources, suggestion and a support line if you just want to talk to someone or you may need to be ‘please called’. You may need a hand up, to face the new day!!!

Email: mentors@forgood.co.za
Tel: 0860MENTEE (636833)
Facebook: Everyday hero: Heartlines Youth Mentors

How involved is “too involved?” By Stacey Dlamini

We all know that as a mentor you need to be wise about where you draw the line in your involvement in your mentee’s life. If you take on absolutely every one of their challenges and problems, you may be disempowering them from coming up with their own solutions. Trials, after all, build resilience. On the other hand, if you’re not there for them in their time of need, of what real benefit is mentorship anyway?

I’ve never been really good at setting these kinds of boundaries. We started to mentor a teenager from a children’s home when we were newly married and ended up adopting her. So I’m practically the least qualified person to talk about where to draw the line. But my argument is that sometimes, and dare I say “often,” you have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty on behalf of your mentee. Sometimes you have to open doors for them and occasionally you may be called upon to move a mountain or two. When does it become too much? I don’t know, but I’ll let you know if I get there.

Recently my mentee’s family came to me with the story that she had been rejected for a scholarship because of her nationality. I was furious and emotional and had no idea how to fix this problem. There exists the possibility that she will not receive placement in any school for grade 8 as the family had been depending on this scholarship and by now government schools are full. I resolved to do all in my power to find her a place and to fight what I perceived to be a great injustice on her behalf. I took some time to calm down, and started making some calls. To make a long story short, she’s still in the running for two scholarships and wasn’t actually rejected because of her nationality. There had been a misunderstanding. I was able to explain this to the parents and restore some degree of calm. The situation isn’t fully resolved yet, but I trust that soon it will be. One thing I know is that my mentee will be in school next year and I’ll do whatever is necessary to make it so.

In the course of my mentorship journey over the years with many young people I’ve had to do some interesting things. I’ve had to mediate between warring family members, shuttle abused kids to counselling sessions, and even housed the odd teenager for extended periods of time on more than one occasion. I’ve sometimes felt the need to use my resources to pay overdue school fees, buy clothes or food, or cover transportation costs to and from school. Why do all this? Because sometimes mentorship needs to be about more than asking a young person how school is going or warning them about the dangers of HIV. Sometimes you need to go deeper than that. Young people need to eat and go to school and live in a stable environment. Wherever possible, the ideal is that this all happens within the immediate family. But we don’t live in an ideal world, and we have to deal with things the way they are, not they way we wish they’d be.

Sometimes young people take the investment you make in them and they mess up anyway. They are young, and messing up is a part of growing up. Hopefully the consequences aren’t irreversible. But sometimes you’ll be blessed enough to watch them walk across a stage in a cap and gown, and they’ll send a smile your way and mouth the words “Thank you.” And you’ll know that it was all worth it.

Karabo Mohlamme’s view on principle 10: Effective mentors go for it. (’It’s never too early - or too late - to start!)

Chapter ten focuses on getting started with mentoring and dealing with issues or hurdles that you might be faced with. The question that arises and addressed in this chapter is “how to get started?”

The answer to this question, given in the book sums up everything in just three words “just do it”. And yes, that’s the Nike slogan.

There is not really much that one can do when it comes to getting ready in starting something, all that can be done is set your mind and just do it. Everything else that you may consider as “preparation” would be just a waste of time and you would be beating around the bush.
Often, we do extensive research on how-to’s but at the ultimate end up with more reasons to why you actually con not do it.

Your next problem might be: “but I don’t enough experience to deal with mentoring”. According to the book, that is good enough. The less you know the better. “Knowledge is power but too much knowledge makes you arrogant and unusable”. The trick is to learn as you go. The less you know about a situation you are involved in, the more open you eye is to learning and taking note of the mistakes you do and correcting those mistakes. Trusting yourself is also key to success when treading in unfamiliar territory. Do not be afraid to make that mistake, do it, accept it, correct it and move on. Anyway, how else can you learn? It’s within you.

The book then progresses to talk about finding a mentor. How do you find a mentor partner? “as if partners are needles in humongous haystacks” the author says. There are many places to look for partners, the most secure being family. This is what the author calls the test lab of everything in life. Friends, family and NGOs also being part of the list. However the, workplace, although an option, is described as being sensitive. Reason being that you do not want to create bonds that may shield work related issues such as firing and demoting. Most of all, you do not want a scenario where other workers have a conception of favoritism.
Once you actually start looking and using your resources, you will not have to look for too long.

One thing to be noted is that you need to start small. A lot of people loose opportunities because they set high goals and spend so much time in trying to turn them into a reality. You need to set smaller secondary goals to keep you busy while still trying to archive the bigger goal. The advantage of this is that you end up with archiving more than one goal at the end. You are also open to more opportunities that might even give you a boost in the direction of you goal.

Last but not least we need to accept that things change. There will always be change.

The entire mode of the chapter is motivation to starting your mentorship journey and addressing issues that you might face when starting. Does the chapter resolve the issues? Yes, in a very sharp way.

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Principle#1: Effective mentoring understands that living is about giving.

The Heart of Mentoring:
I have this book which speaks about ‘the Heart of mentoring’ by David A. Stoddard. Over the next couple of days I will be putting one of the ten principles here that he speaks about..feel to to discuss it with us.

I would encourage you to get the book (The heart of mentoring by David A. Stoddard), the writer speaks from personal experiences and really explain the idea of 10 proven principles for mentoring clearly.

‘More than just a sound business practice, mentoring is really a stewardship issues’

This catch my attention because ,many times I tent to miss this point. I get so tired and frustrated with my mentee and I feel like withdrawing and giving up on the idea of mentorship. I think it is easy to give time, gifts and advise but the hardest thing to give is yourself.
Many times when you give of yourself you get hurt and when you get hurt you lose the trust and faith you had in this person.

How do you deal with this issue?

Hopeville The Movie

Confessions of a mentor

I don’t think I’d want me for a mentor. What could someone in need of mentorship possibly learn from someone like me? How to have a perfectly balanced and nutritious meal ready for the family every evening at 6 pm? Last night we had Cheerios for supper. How to plan fun and engaging family activities? My kids watched 2,045 hours of TV last week alone. What about how to be the perfect wife? Ok, that part is true. Just don’t ask my husband.

So I’m always a little surprised when someone approaches me to be their mentor. I’m tempted to tell them to set their sights higher, but then again, I believe in mentorship. I remember the role that mentors have played in my life over the years, and I get excited at the thought that I could maybe play that role for someone else. So usually, I agree.

I had my first “meeting” with a new mentee just a couple of weeks ago. I cooked Carribean style macaroni and cheese and BBQ chicken for the occasion. The mac & cheese was delicious! But the chicken was basically still squawking when I tried to serve it. I cut into it and blood shot out. So I did what any amateur chef would do and tried to nuke the life out of it. I thought about pretending that I meant to serve the meal in different courses. But honesty is the best way to embark on a mentoring relationship. So I said, “Now you know I’m not the best cook in the world, and there are a host of other things you won’t be able to learn from me.” But I went on to explain that I’m happy to be a sounding board, to offer advice or counsel, and to be someone to hang out with whenever she has some free time. She agreed and seems happy with our arrangement. But perhaps next time, we’ll meet at Spur.
By: Stacey Dlamini

That Goose is Cooked!

My mentee and I are from very different cultures. I come from a rural part of eastern Canada where I grew up in a sheltered, white middle-class environment. My mentee and her family come from the Democratic Republic of Congo, which she left with her family because of the political instability and violence as a young child. But now we both find ourselves living out our lives in Southern Johannesburg.

I mention this difference in culture, because our culture impacts so greatly on every aspect of our lives, including the food we eat and how we prepare it. For me, meat has always come neatly packaged on a Styrofoam tray wrapped in plastic, blood free and ready for the oven. For my mentee’s family, meat often comes with feathers, still breathing and squawking.

I came to this realisation when I wandered into my mentee’s kitchen to take my cup to the sink and was confronted with The Goose. She was sitting on some newspaper next to the freezer, with her feet bound. She was quietly awaiting her fate, and seemed to have made her peace. She looked at me in my eye and I became complicit in her impending end. I had to leave the room.

My mentee’s father said to her mother, “I told you not to show Stacey the duck.” (They didn’t know the word for “goose” in English.) “She’d be too traumatised.” The mother of the house couldn’t understand why I’d be traumatised. This was just food. And I have to admit there is a certain amount of hypocrisy in being an omnivore who doesn’t have the stomach to confront where the meat I consume really comes from. These thoughts were bouncing around in my head as I got invited to dinner on Monday afternoon. And there was no doubt as to what would be on the menu.

So I’m faced with a dilemma. I could think of an excuse and stay away in solidarity with The Goose. Or I could try and put myself in their shoes (empathy) to see this for what it was; an incredibly generous invitation to fellowship, sharing and thanksgiving at God’s provision. I accepted the invitation, to the surprise and pleasure of my mentee.

When I arrived that Monday, The Goose looked a lot like the meat I was more familiar with. It was oven-ready. I didn’t have to witness the slaughter or remove the feathers (maybe next time?) but I did pitch in by making the stuffing and the gravy. What followed was a great evening of sharing and story telling. I felt closer to my mentee and her family because of this experience.

Mentoring offers us the precious space to provide input into the life of another. But if we’re open and attentive, it also offers us the opportunity to step outside of our comfort zone and connect on a deep emotional level with other human beings. I am a richer person for this experience. The Goose’s sacrifice was not in vain.